Tears and Rain.

4am in the morning I fell asleep by my laptop. I hear a little alert sound and there is Evren, my beautiful Turkish girl's brother IMing me on msn messenger. I left him a comment on his myspace the day before asking how is he doing and also how my love is doing. He breaks the news to me, C___..C___. Laila is no more, she is in Germany and she got married. Uncontrollable tears fall down my face and I sit there still. Paralyzed and shocked, I wanted to go punch someone. I wanted to scream her name to come to me. He tells me it's been 4 months and the family forced her to get married. He was telling me how their society is not like America. Of course, Turkey..muslim country. He's like let it out, don't worry. I'm here for you.

She had always been in the back of my mind and I had waited for her. Unanswered questions that I had that she wouldn't fill, the reason why she wanted to run away from her parents. She told me when she sent a package for me that she wanted to come herself to be with me in U.S. before the package had arrived. I'm sitting here at work and I can't concentrate. I feel numb and I can't comprehend exactly the circumstances. The love of my life had slipped away from me again at an instant. I'm trying to work, but at the same time I'm trying to hide the pain inside. Evren telling me that she's married, just felt like I was punched in the stomach and knocked out. I feel like I have no where to go or anyone to talk to about this. The world stood still, when I met her. And now that we no longer belong to each other it is very hard to breath. Ever since she has disappeared out of my life I feel a bit empty. I will never forget her, I will always..always love her. She came into my life during a time I was down. She changed my thoughts and feelings about many things. The time that I have known her she made me so happy. That is all gone. It's so hard for me to picture her with a man. I don't believe she's happy, she has to live a lie and it kills me that I can't be there for her and rescue my askim benim (my love). It's so hard. I miss you..Laila I will always love you, deep inside this heart of mine. I'll always need you. If you ever change your mind, I still..I will love you. Wish you never left me. Love is a mystery and you can break a heart so easily.

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older

Since the last time that i saw your pretty face

A thousand lies have made me colder

And i don't think i can look at this the same

But all these miles that seperate

Disappear now when i'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And i dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'

As the people leave their way to say hello

I've heard this life was overrated

But i hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And i dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything i know,and anywhere i go

It gets hard but it wont take away my love

And when the last one falls

When it's all said and done

It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And i dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight girl its only you and me

It's a secret

So today I'm so excited, i'm going to go buy my honey some sexy lingerie at Victoria Secret's. I'll be sending it out to Lithuania coming this Thursday!

Jealousy is a part of me.

yesterday I went over to My so-called Mr. Right once upon a time. The last time we met was not so long ago, which was last week. He asked me to kiss him and I was strong enough to say "NO." I had no desire to get back with him. Until yesterday, when he fixed my computer and this pretty blonde chic comes and he's making plans with her in front of me. In front of me! First of all, why am I feeling so jealous? I'm not supposed to have feelings like this. It's been awhile since we have been together and I thought I was over him. He even asked me if I thought of the proposal from last time, the kiss. I changed the subject. He asked me if I was looking for a relationship, I said firmly again - "NO." I'm not going to try to look into it. I have someone else.

It just seems as if I'm never satisfied. At one point, I thought I had it all figured out. I did a complete 360• I have no desire for men. Well they are pleasing to look at, particularly this one guy I work with whom I've had a crush forever with from when I first started, but that's all. The attraction stops there. With woman, I feel so different. I'm attracted to "L" and I want to be with her mind, body and soul. That's when it comes to My so-called Mr. Right, when a kiss is not actually necessary. I can pass. With "L", I want her so badly that I can't pass up a kiss at all.

I Kissed A Girl

Jenny came over and told me about Brad
He's such a hairy behemoth she said
And dumb as a box of hammers
But he's such a handsome guy
And I opened up and I told her about Larry
And yesterday how he asked me to marry
I'm not giving him an answer yet
I think I can do better
CHORUS:
So we laughed, compared notes
We had a drink, we had a smoke
She took off her overcoat
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl
So she called home to say she'd be late
He said, he worried but now he'd feel safe
I'm glad you're with your girlfriend,
Tell her "Hi" for me
then I looked at you, you had guilt in your eyes
But it only lasted a little while
And then I felt your hand above my knee
CHORUS:
And we laughed at the world
They can have their diamonds
And we'll have our pearls
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl, her lips were sweet
She was just like kissing me
I kissed a girl, won't change the world
But I'm so glad
I kissed a girl
And we laughed at the world
They can have their diamonds
And we'll have our pearls
I kissed a girl (for the first time)
I kissed a girl (and I may do it again)
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl, her lips were sweet
She was just like kissing me (but better)
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl, won't change the world
But I'm so glad
I kissed a girl (for the first time)
I kissed a girl (won't be the last time)
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl

Once upon on time...

7 months ago, I was in love and heartbroken. In my mind, he was the one that was going to be my "one and only". He was the one that would bear my children and I would take his last name. It was one of the hardest times that I had to go through again. Him saying goodbye, which killed me. Yes, I fell in love before and yes it hurt. It doesn't seem to get any better the second time around. You just want to curl up and dissolve away, never to appear on this earth again. As time passes, we learn that the pain is only temporary and that we do actually get over heartbreak, eventually. That's life and well, it isn't simple. Somehow life seems to find its way of complicating itself and I get tangled in the mess of it.

What got me through the heartbreaking pain was meeting her, my beautiful Turkish girl. She came into my world and changed me in every possible way. Once again, being the libra that I am, I fell madly, deeply in love with her. She promised me all of her and that there was no other in her life except for me. Trusting as I am, I gave in. We spent every moment we could. We spoke online and wrote many emails back and forth. She made sure that I was only for her, by deleting all my friends that I had on my myspace and prohibiting me to ever go on there again. I had no problems with that at all, because I cared for no one else but her. She was my everything and all my time and energy was for my love.

Then I lost contact with her, but still kept in touch with her brother. He knew how crazy I was about her and how crazy she was about me. He told me not to worry and that she had to go to Germany to move in with her aunt. She had no access to the internet. I became sad and missed her so much. I became worried, her parents had no idea at all that she was a lesbian. And her being muslim and lesbian did not mix together well. If ever her parents were to find out, she'd be dead meat. So when our communication stopped, I had so many questions that was going through my mind. Was this the end for us? Did her parents find out and send her far far off to Germany to take her away from being with me? It hurt me so much. I put everything out on the line for love, for her. Thinking it was my fate and all that had disappeared once again, in a instant. I could wait forever for her, but would I be waiting for nothing? Her brother kept reassuring me that we will be together, but it's been awhile and I just don't know what to do. I love her, but if we were meant to be, I guess she'd come back into my life. Right?

Between the time that her and I did not talk, I did meet someone else. She is everything like my love, except we are here for each other and we actually keep in touch every single day. I told her about my love because I wanted to be honest with her and I have developed feelings for L. My love said that when she's not around, that I shouldn't forget that she loves me, she's thinking of me and she will soon be with me...do I wait? Is it wrong for me to find another who does give me her attention and time? Because right now, my love, isn't here for me. It's a bit confusing. And to add to the story, well lets say that guy who I thought was the 'one', he came back into my life. I knew he wanted to get back with me and well, this time around I don't feel the same. It felt great I got to turn him down. Although, with these two woman in my life, I want something to work out between my love or my new babe. But with my luck....

Where'd You Go by Fort Minor

(Chorus:) Where'd you go? I miss you so Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone Where'd you go? I miss you so Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone

Please

Come back home

(Intro:) Where'd you go?

I miss you so

Seems like its been forever that you've been gone

(Verse 1:) She said somedays I feel like shit

Somedays I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit

I don't understand why you have to always be gone

I get along but your trips always feel so long

And I find myself trying to stay by the phone

Because your voice always helps to not feel so alone

But I feel like an idiot, working my day around a call

And when I pick up I don't have much to say, so I want you to know it's a little fucked up that I'm stuck here waiting, at times debating

Telling you that I've had it with you and your career

Me and the rest of the family here singing

(Chorus)

(Verse 1:) You know, the place where you used to live

Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs

Used to have a little party every halloween with candy by the pile but now you only stop by every once in a while

Shit

I find myself just filling my time

With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind

I'm doing fine I plan to keep it that way

You can call me if you find that you have something to say

And I'll tell you

I want you to know it's a little fucked up that I'm stuck here waiting, at times debating

Telling you that I've had it with you and your career

Me and the rest of the family here singing

(Chorus)

(Verse 3:) I want you to know it's a little fucked up that I'm stuck here waiting, no longer debating

Tired of sitting and hating and making these excuses

For why you're not around, and feeling so useless

It seems one thing has been true all along

You don't really know what you've got till its gone

I guess I've had it with you and your career

When you come back

I won't be here and you can sing it

Where'd you go?

I miss you so

Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone

Where'd you go?

I miss you so

Seems like its been forever that you've been gone

Please come back home[x5]

Love Letters.

I haven't spoken with my love for about a week. She is in another state in Turkey looking for work, since she left her old job because she was having too many problems. So between the time of not being able to talk with her, I have missed her so much. So I decided to read all the love letters and chats that we had with each other. It just brought smiles and memories back which made me miss her even more. I will hopefully get a chance to talk with her tomorrow. She tells me always not to worry when she's gone for awhile and that she's always near and dear. Ditto.

Intensified Through the Distance.

She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me....even though we are miles and miles away, she still sticks by my side. Who would of thought that something like this would last for so long? Of course I didn't, because I never wanted to be with someone I couldn't see at a moments notice. And here I am contradicting myself. Although when it comes to staying faithful to that special someone, I am able to stay true. I remember my ex boyfriend, Mike telling me that the "L" Factor would cause a relationship not to last. The "L" Factor stood for Looks, Location and Lifestyle. He said if you and the other person don't have the same lifestyle it can't work. I agree a little bit on that, but just like the saying goes: Opposites Attract. I believe that. Variety is the spice of life and being too similar is just too boring. He also said no matter how beautiful a girl is if she lives on the other side of the world it won't work out. That's where I beg to differ. I mean it's not only about beauty, it's about the connection and the love that you have for one another. In order for that to work, both sides need to keep it going. If you truly love the person, you will do whatever it takes to make it work - no matter what! It's a lot of time and energy, but you have to sweat it out. It sure does take 'two to tango'. That's what my love and I have, and she keeps me going each day I think of her. She brings so much happiness to me in my life and I can't wait for that day she steps off that plane and I get to hold her in my arms and kiss her till my lips fall off. Sparks and all. I am so passionately in love with her and she is very much in love with me. I am so glad she came into my life.

Her song dedicated to me: Only You

just want you to know..that.. throughout it all..its only u..that stuck by me.. and for that-i thank you..i love you..ashanti

Oh I cant wait to get next to you
Oh I just can't leave you alone
Boy you got me doing things that I would never do
And I cant stop the way I'm feelin' if I wanted to
I'm crazy bout the way you that you could make me say your name
And if I couldnt have you I would probably go insane cause...
[Chorus:]
Only u can make me feel (only you can me make me feel)
And only u can take me there (only u can take me there)
And only u can make me feel (only you only you can make me feel)
And only u can take me there (only you can take me there)
Oh I can't wait to get next to you
Oh I just can't leave you alone
Boy you stay inside my mind ain't no denyin' that
And only you could do them things that got me comin' back
Gotta be the realest thing that I have ever felt
And I'll do wat I gotta do to keep you to myself cause..
[Chorus:]
Only u can make me feel (only you can me make me feel)
And only u can take me there (only u can take me there)
And only u can make me feel (only you can make me feel)
And only u can take me there (only you can take me there)
Crazy
Bout the way you (make me) feel
I just gotta have u
Here and I
Wanna let u
Know
I wont ever let u
Go
[Chorus:]
Only u can make me feel (only u can me make me feel)
And only u can take me there (only u can take me there)
And only u can make me feel (u can make me feel)
And only u can take me there (only you can take me there)
Oh I can't wait to get next to you
Oh I just can't leave you alone...

Turkish Delight.

I had written this on June 25, 2004:

The End. Don't fret, when you feel your world is going to be coming to an end just because someone or something isn't going the way you want it to be. Things always happen for a reason. It is not the end. Pain is only temporary. Once the wound is healed, you get your ass right back up again and start out with a new beginning.

It was an advice that I had written, but wasn't able to take it into my own use, until now. Really when you’re in love...you are insanely blinded and the only way to see the reality is to take off those rose colored glasses and focus on what is really in front of yourself. At one point, I thought because I felt deep down inside that he was going to be the one, I had to hold on tight - even if it was wrong. In order to fulfill what I had dreamed I was going to fight till the end. Wrong. I finally learned to let go during the stage that we all go through - the sweat pants-wearing-chocalate-eating-sad-sappy-love-songs-cry-your-eyes-out mode. Yes that phase of insanity until you realize it's not the end. He wasn't for me and if I held on to him, I was not going to be happy. Forced, maybe but the truth is, did I really want to ride this rollercoaster all over again? When I knew what the end outcome would be yet again. No, Thank You. J.D. Salinger has cleverly put it in Catcher in the Rye: And so it goes....Life goes on. (I cut that umbilical chord, it was about time. I was sick of his uncertainty.)

Currently, I am with someone who knows what they want. And I am on cloud 9. I am so happy that she has come into my life. Who is she you might ask? She's one beautiful, Turkish girl who is sexy on the outside and lovely on the inside as well. She claims I am her destiny and with my instinct in tact, I feel the same. We are at distance right now that I live in Chicago and she lives in Turkey, but hopefully her visa and passport will be ready by this summer! I need to find us a place to live soon. I talk to her almost everyday. That is more than I had ever did with my boyfriends. It's so different, in a good way. I tend to keep it this way for a very long long time.